McCartney's Tee-Tees (?)

Beef-Day Recap, Vol. 3

2009-04-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

Had some cool times with the gang at a quaint little joint called (now correct me if I'm wrong, guys) Muggler's?? Well, it was fun. They had the MLB games playing on the tubes, and it was literally PACKED with all kinds of suave business men. Beyonce's "If I Was a Boy" was playing overhead on the PA system, on repeat, and God help me if we all weren't shakin' our asses! There was only one server, this hipster-lumberjack looking fella, and we all could tell he was about to blow his load! I mean, it took him about twenty minutes to fill our drinks (he wouldn't even bring 'em to us), and when mine and Caston's food arrived, his build-a-burger was ice cold, and my goddamned pepperoni pizza didn't have crust!! Oh, I was pretty steamed to say the least. But hey, we had some Pabst on tap, and some fresh tap water, so I can't complain. Then, at the after-party, we gathered around the tube to watch Decoding the Past: Nazi Prophecies on the History Channel, which was really quite cool cuz it talked about Hitler's rise to power and how these (what's the word) mystics predicted his "rise." And I'm not talking about the rise in his pants, Mr. Coltrane! It was very informative and even persuaded us to conduct our own ritualistic seances to foresee events in our own precious lives. I predicted that I'd make a guest-appearance in an episode of Ax Men sometime within the next two years, and Galveston saw images in his mind of himself eating a hot dog surrounded by cheering women. These visions of the future were too much for me to stomach, so after that, I retreated to the comfort of my shanty and started to watch Resevoir Dogs. But that bored me after about a half-hour because I couldn't grasp the concept of grown-men assassins discussing the meaning behind Madonna's "Like A Virgin" in the climatic beginning of the film, because it seemed too fucking stupid and pretentiously-written, so I ejected the DVD and popped in Ed Wood. That too bored me within fifteen minutes just cuz it's a goddamned boring film. So, I drank a Sam's Choice soda and hit the sack.

Immortal Colt Quotes:
-- "Does this thing have a dick?"
-- "Is that Richard Nixon?" (as an image of Adolf Hitler appeared on-screen)
-- "I want to touch his balls of his feet."

Lesson #23: The Thespian's Monkier

2009-04-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

Cute Poon

2009-04-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

i had an "ephiphany," as one would say, a few moments ago as i was drinking a DQ milkshake. the two dumb sluts who were working the drive-thru register were cracking up as they gave me my shake and cheeseburger. now, they were probably laughing at some hilarious teen gossip or cuz one of 'em let out a gassy queef. but me, being the over-the-top paranoid that i am, figured they were laughing at my expense, like "oh my god, he looks exactly like that freak-of-nature from the 'Burbs!"

the first time anyone had ever referred to me as "that guy from the 'Burbs" was at some faggotity hipster party my sophomore year. and just recently i've been hearin' it more and more. then i actually saw the shitty film myself (and want to assassinate every person who was involved in its production), and can understand how all these fucks see a "resemblance." [LOOK HE'S GOT RED-HAIR AND SLIGHT FACIAL-HAIR!] but once this joke approached me while working in a goddamned pillow factory in the middle of butt-fuck Indiana (Middletown, IN no less), i knew something had to "give." now it's like i can't go out in public without thinking in the back of my mind that everyone's fucking snickering at me.

so now, instead of being paranoid about this shit (which basically stems from my long-standing crippling insecurities), i'm gonna dye my hair jet-pink and start walking around in hispanic tunics. so at least i'll give 'em a reason to fucking laugh, as the old adage goes!

(childish, irrational rant, i know... but i don't give a snick! it's what ya call passion, babe.)

Rad Artwork heard 'round the Globe (Part 1 of Series)

2009-04-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

Not fucking funny...

The Complete Poetic Works of Michael Madsen, Vol. I: 1995-2005

2009-03-26T17:08:00.000-07:00

MEN
I suspect
That all great men
Have,
At one time
Or another,
Sat on the edge
Of the bed alone
And wondered
If anything
They ever did
Really mattered.

COME BACK, COME BACK, STAY SOBER!!

2009-03-20T18:38:00.001-07:00

I feel somewhat remorseful - I obliterated their entire cause!
-- Z. Colt

We want to see the ying-and-the-yang tattoo...

2009-03-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

I've been on a T.G. kick lately, and I can't decipher the reason. It could have something to do with that wonderful NBC show, Celeb Apprentice, which was Mr. Green's latest stab into the mainstream. I've only seen one episode of this season's - and hey, I'll be honest, it was just a fun, all-around entertaining hour of my time!

The commercials - amazing... The celebrities - at the top of their game (Scott Hamilton: A+)... and I learned some really impressive new business tips. So, no complaints here!

But that Trump, I tell ya... is there any medium he can't conquer?!

He is an Olympic Gymnast

2009-03-17T17:57:00.000-07:00

FLAWLESS

Early Tom Green shit could not/cannot be touched!

Jump Into the Fire

2009-03-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

This unstoppable sequence popped in my head as I was maddeningly scrambling around Muncie earlier today, and I just had to prorate it to my online following. Now I'm in the Bracken library by myself on a Friday evening 'cuz I can't access the Innernette from my shanty...

But hey, might ass well download another Jam album while I'm at it!

Ain't that right, Tommy?!

A Dead-On Representation of a Night on the Town with Zolt...

2009-03-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

I honest-to-God tensed up when I watched this scene for the first time. Cuz believe me, I've been there, babe!

Sour Times...

2009-03-04T20:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight I drove to Marion, IN because I heard a commercial over the airwaves yesterday about a seminar that was being hosted at the Hotel Marion, with tips on how to break-into the lucrative business of work-at-home medical transcription. Well, I went, out of sheer desperation, in hopes of finding a better way to make money than working at a goddamned bedding factory. Much to my surprise, it was a complete waste. Upon stepping into the musty, shit-brown lobby of the hotel, I found myself in the company of all walks of life, all from around the east-central Indiana area. The majority of them were obese old women with bald spots. But they were nice. There was even a point during the seminar in which we were ordered to "greet the person next to you," and the gorgeous old gal to my left turned and said, "Hi, I'm Cindy. I'm unemployed!" and laughed. Boy, was that the fun part.

The rest of the seminar consisted of this voluptuous woman named Monica in slight-goth attire describing how she changed her life around through the magic of work-at-home medical transcription, which could be obtained through purchasing a few "texts books," a Mavis Beacon Typing Tutor CD-Rom and taking "a few online quizzes" all for the slim price of $599! And through these simple, but highly educational quizzes, you could obtain the equivalent of an actual college degree! Boy, the crowd loved that part.

But I wasn't buying all the schmaltz, and got outta there before I burst my spread -not before taking a piss down the hall, mind you.

But hey, the trip wasn't a total waste: I mean, I got to go sight-seeing through Marion, IN after-dark, and I got a free purple pen. Not to mention the two cute high school girls in letterman jackets in the back row who smirked at me!

All in all,
Great Nite and Great Job!

Rock-A-Doodle: The Movie

2009-02-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

"Chanticleer is a rooster who lives on a fairytale farm with many other animals, who are fond of and love him. His enemy is an owl sorcerer called the Grand Duke, along with the gang of owls who serve him. Chanticleer is attacked by a servant of the Duke, another rooster. Chanticleer beats the rooster, only to realize the sun has risen without his crowing while he was busy. His friends, believing he was lying to them about how his crowiing brought up the sun, a fact he had always thought was true himself, ostracize him, leading to the adventures of Edmond and the others. He is voiced by Glen Campbell."

Data gathered from: Wikipedia.org

Great description, guys!

I only have vague memories of this film, and feel somewhat befundled by what I remember...like unusually sexy, cartoon roosters, and a really rockin' soundtrack. But lately, I've been gettin' into the adult-contemporary styled music of country great, Glen Campbell, and found it odd that he lent his voice for the film's "tragic-hero" protagonist. Plus, Mr. Campbell was born on April 22, which also happens to be my day of birth, and I always find it rad to learn of celebrities with whom I share this special day...

Very
kool!!

Pre-Screening (Tinseltown Cuties poetry)

2009-02-26T18:24:00.001-08:00

Okay y'all, here are some lyrics me and the Galv Man have been workin on for the new Tinseltown Cuties EP, A Ribbon in The Asshole. I'm thinkin it's gonna be kinda experimental, kinda folk-rock. But anyways, here are some lyrics. Tell me what "chu" think, y'all:

I watch
Nip-tuck
when my mommy's sleeping

I watch
Nip-tuck
when my mommy's fucking

I mean, at this stage in the process, it's nuthin' too serious; we're kinda testin' out some new material, you know, just lettin' the cum jazz. So yeah, anyways, if any of y'all out there "dig" these words, so to speak, we'll definitely include them in the tunes! Just check out the myspace.... myspace.com/tinseltowncuties for further info, and some real raunchy shit!

Chao,

Glen Campbell

A 1984 hackers movie starring Clint Flamflow...

2009-02-26T18:02:00.000-08:00

Pissfork 500

2009-02-17T18:32:00.000-08:00

1983-1986

The Smiths – This Charming Man
Sonic Youth – Death Valley ‘69
Husker Du – Pink Turns to Blue
Meat Puppets – Plateau
The Replacements – I Will Dare
Minutemen – History Lesson (Part II)
R.E.M. – So. Central Rain (I’m Sorry)
Echo and the Bunnymen – The Killing Moon
The Cure – Close to Me
Siouxsie and the Banshees – Cities in Dust
Run-D.M.C. – It’s Like That
Crash Crew – On the Radio
Rammelzee vs. K-Rob – Beat Bop
Boogie Down Productions – South Bronx
New Order – Blue Monday
Prince and the Revolution – When Doves Cry
Talking Heads – This Must Be the Place (Naïve Melody)
Kate Bush – Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)
U2 – New Year’s Day
Simple Minds – Don’t You (Forget About Me)
The Replacements – Bastards of Young
The Mekons – Last Dance
Big Black – Kerosene
Scratch Acid – The Greatest Gift
The Jesus and Mary Chain – Just Like Honey
The Smiths – How Soon Is Now?
Cocteau Twins – Lorelei
New Order – Bizarre Love Triangle
Billy Bragg – A New England
Metallica – Battery
Slayer – Angel of Death
Saint Vitus – Clear Windowpane
Einsturzende Neubauten – Halber Mensch
Art of Noise – Beat Box (Diversion One)
Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Relax
Liquid Liquid – Optimo
Alexander Robotnick – Problemes d’Amour
Shannon – Let the Music Play
Section 25 – Looking from a Hilltop (Restructure)
Madonna – Holiday
Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Want to Have Fun
Prince – Kiss
Run-D.M.C. – Rock Box
LL Cool J – I Can’t Live Without My Radio
Beastie Boys – No Sleep Till Brooklyn
Mantronix – Needle to the Groove
The Go-Betweens – Cattle and Cane
The Chills – Pink Frost
Felt – Primitive Painters
The Smiths – There Is a Light That Never Goes Out
Tom Waits – Jockey Full of Bourbon
Bruce Springsteen – I’m on Fire
Scott Walker – Rawhide
U2 – Bad
Don Henley – The Boys of Summer
Paul Simon – Graceland
Wayne Smith – Under Me Sleng Teng
Anthony “Red” Rose – Tempo
Model 500 – No UFO’s

Glad to see my favorite song of all time made it into the extravagant Pitchfork 500: Our Guide to the Greatest Songs from Punk to the Present archives. 'Bout time the Boss got the cherished respect he deserves!

http://fromclosertonear.blogspot.com/2008/11/pitchfork-500-our-guide-to-greatest.html

Great list, guys!

FULL-FRONTAL ISLAND FANTASY

2009-02-04T21:08:00.000-08:00

Original lyrics by Chase M. Stuart:

Down by the lifeguard stand,
I see a little tiny man,
slippin' off his downstair drawers,
gonna show me somethin' more.

This is just a taste of the sultry lyrics that are contained on the latest EP by the B.S. Buttholes, Island Way, a concept album dedicated to the beauty and power of islands. Other stand-out tracks include "Too Tango," "Yang Ching Beach," "Test of my Faith," and "Looking Out My Window." As always, to accompany these ballads is music of the utmost technical prowess, that will sincerely test your faith and masculinity. Look for this diddy in stores sometime within the next four years.

(Source: www.myspace.com/thebootscootinbuttholes)

All faster than the wind from a duck's ass!

2009-02-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

Chinatown, 1974.

Alright, so ever since I slammed my face on the sidewalk this weekend after slipping on an ice-patch, I've had to sport some unslightly bandages to heal my bloody flesh wounds. And I couldn't help but think of this wonderful film starring Jack Nicholson as a wily private investigator who gets his nose sliced open by some tuxedoed thugs for being too "nosy." Throughout the film, he gets shat on and ridiculed for his misfortune, which is kind of how I feel when going out in public as onlookers glance at me and gasp at the sight of my horrific accident, as if to think, "Jeez, what kind of mess did this fuck-up get into?!" So yes, the film is truly an engaging masterpiece....

Oh, and little known fact that this is the film that coined the phrase "How do ya like them apples?" How do you like them apples, Mr. Damon?! I'd also take a stab and claim that Jackie's character in this little diddy was the inspiration for Mr. Anderson's "wounded" character in the cult classik Darjeeding Limited.

So c'mon, ya gotta give it some props, babe!

Flippin' Hilarious

2009-01-31T19:42:00.000-08:00

Another flawless Zooey Deschanel performance! P.S. just skip to 1:25 be prepared to jack your ass off!

We've got Lifehouse, Fall Out Boy AND Rhianna!

2009-01-22T19:40:00.001-08:00

As I journey to the center of crime
I gander down at my left palm
and see my fingers
justified.

The blood from my ball cap
came pouring down in waves
like a Sultan with children lined up
choosing his herd of slaves.

And Mickey,
with his cinnamon twist twinkie
roars like a bull in the middle of fright.

Sometimes, when I'm alone at night
with my wet towels and ginger-snaps
I look out the sun-stained window
and spy my next-door neighbor's thunderclap.

And Ronald,
with his word dictionary
and empty box of jet-lag
comes sprinting out of the bushes like a wet canary.

Okay, it's just a rough draft, so no harsh criticism, y'all! I'm hoping to get it published in Nuts Weekly sometime in June.... that is if I can get Prof. Uncer to "okay" my final product, which will be about as tough as plucking a blood-filled tick from a wet African warlock's left nook.

I'm Wide-Awake, My Buns Are Burning

2009-01-15T02:02:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't ya know it? here i am at 5:13AM blogging! i can't help it....i had to get some things off my "chest." but i'm not gonna write about it in this, Mr. Holt! *LOL* those deep thoughts are reserved for my leather-bound scrap-book. but anyways, this weekend i plan on seeing my favorite actor in probably the best film role of his career. what i'm talkin' about is Kevin James in the hip, new Sandler-produced comedy, Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Kevin James just rocks the casbah, my friends. he's got to be at the absolute peak of his life right now: hot wife, cool career, manly appearance, and least we forget, a strong partnership with Sandler..... but seriously, i'm getting on Fandango.com directly after i write this and scorin' my tickets for the midnight showing tomorrow (well, technically, today). it's gonna be so sweet. i don't know if i'll be able to contain myself. seeing that fat man in a security outfit, doing like all these action moves, is gonna be so hysterical....and him with a MUSTACHE?! jesus, it don't get much better, girls.

i think i'll invite my buds Henry and Vicky to cum along. they're such bad-asses. i know they'll totally get James's humor. it's not for everyone, let me tell you. i mean, sometimes he gets a little vulgar with his jokes, and it's not always funny. but when he cracks those sport jokes, man, i can't keep from laughing my bump-bump off and makin' a scene! but seriously, check back here within the next three months for a little "follow-up" post on my film experience. it should be clever, and a tit-bit sexy as hell. till next time, broskies!

Creature of the Night -- A poem for Holt

2009-01-08T17:40:00.000-08:00

There he was
my idol since age 6
john cougar mellencamp
swaying his hips on the side of the freeway
like some kind of
ancient titan

I drove slowly passed
in my convertible Stiny-ray
it was all shined up
my grandmother helped me wax it
she was so good to me

I gotta poo
but I smeell your's oozing out,
said Mr. Holt that night
as we curled down the banks
of the golden Ohio

The river, its glow
the silly hoot-owl
pissing on a branch
it was all there
for our taking
Miami was finally within our grasp

The World is a...Glampire?

2008-12-27T17:50:00.000-08:00

Me and my siblings received an Xbox-360 as a joint-gift for the holidays this year, and me and my younger half-brother have been on alternating shifts between him playing LEGO: Indiana Jones and myself playing Fallout 3. And let's just say, every time my hands clutch the console, I can't put it down! I don't even feel the need to leave the house, or go out and consume liquor. Now this is the high-life!

Phenomenal post, right guys?

The Results Cum In!

2008-12-20T20:48:00.001-08:00

2008 was really a great year for tunes. Both digitally and physically. And since every blogsite in the known world is blogging about its "favorites" of the year, I thought I'd join in! I heard a helluva lot of real cool albums from an array of men and girls, and downloaded TONS, and I mean ASSLOADS, of mp3s from my favorite website, skreemr.com. My favorite mp3 that I downloaded this year was probably "Japanese Boy" by Aneka, which first sparked my heart when I heard it in the GTA: Vice City soundtrack for the PS2 gaming console. Now don't get me wrong, just cuz I "dig" a song titled "Japanese Boy" doesn't mean I'm a gay or anything, you stupid fucks! I just like it for its Asian-tinged synths and very catchy chorus. But enough hoo-hah, let's cut to the real fun...

As I hinted at earlier in this blog, I heard a helluva lot of real cool albums throughout the course of this year. These albums generated a sense of spell-binding whimsy in my heart and mind that helped me prevail through the "tough times," and console my desires. I could not have lived without them. Some of these masterworks include:

Pacific Ocean Blue, Dennis Wilson

The Beach Boys are and still one of my favorite bands. But before you start passing judgment and questioning my "manliness" for being a fan, let it be known that their music is truly touching and artists from all over the musical spectrum have acknowledged their influence, from the Pixies to Yo La Tengo to Paul McCartney (and his titties, nonetheless). SO LAY OFF! And this man, pictured above in all his chest-hair exuberance, was a member of the Beach Boys. I only listened to about three or four of the first songs on this album before I became bored with it; nevertheless, these songs were soulfully mediocre and slightly hummable. Still, nearly every musical publication in existence gave it an outstanding review, so that has to amount to somethin'! Maybe I'll give it another "run-though" in the future, like if I'm taking a shit and just happen to have it playing on my computer in the background, in the other room.

Rock 'N' Roll Jesus, Kid Rock

I think it's safe to say that this man is a hard-ass. And a goddamned creative one at that. But jeez Rock, could you lay off the controversy? How'd you think the world would react to an LP titled "Rock 'N' Roll Jesus"?! Nevertheless, Kid Rock really rocks it hard throughout. I've only heard one song off this thing, but that song, "All Summer Long" was truly a monster fucking hit all summer long. For those unaware of its appeal, it samples from two outstanding cuts of rock history: "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (as if you didn't know) and "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon (God rest his sweet soul). It's also got some great lyrics to boot, like "sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinkin' 'bout tomorrow." Lord knows I did just that many a night during the glorious summer of '08. LOL! And I don't think a night went by where I was up at 4am and DIDN'T see its music video in heavy rotation on either VH1 or MTV "After Hours." I'd be sitting there eating some Zesta crackers and just absolutely be feelin' the summer vibe in its entirety. Purely amazing...

Duffy, Duffy

This was another flat-out, ass-kicking rock album that dominated the summer airwaves. Many a critic hailed this plus-size star as the next "Dusty Springfield" (who cemented her cult status in the annals of rock history for singing the shitty song "Son of a Preacher Man"), but I think she's more than that. Every song on this album is probably so full of soul and true, aching heartache that its greatness can't be contained. The only song that I've been blessed to hear from this stellar debut is "Mercy." And God above, it rocks. It's got saxes, a cool back-beat and some of the most unappealing vocalizations I've heard in decades. Let me give you a sample of her lyrics: "You got me beggin' you for mercy, why won't you release me?" You know she must've dove head-first into the most despairing depths of her heart to coin such powerful statements. And the music video to accompany the song is flawless, as well. It's all in black-and-white to give it the honest authenticity of a 1960s rebel-rouser, as if to think, "Was this really made in 2008?! It's fucking amazing!". And hey, I ain't complaining! Kudos to you, Ms. Duff!

SLEEPER HIT OF THE YEAR:

Feed the Animals, Girl Talk

Okay, I know its tough to earn recognition when you're overshadowed by such behemoths as Duffy (literally, in her case), Kid Rock, and Kate Perry, but this little diddy truly stole my breath. And since I couldn't think of any other noteworthy album as I was typing this, I thought I might as well mention it. It's just great. The first 45 seconds of "Still Here" are blow-worthy; anything that features snippets of "The Weight" by the Band, "Flashing Lights (ft. Dwele)" by Kanye West and the organ hook from Procol Harum's "Whiter Shade of Pale" all in the same track earns my stand-up applause.

And that's all she wrote, folks! I'm sick of writing this hackneyed bullshit, and ready to fix myself a sandwich, or salad. Hope you enjoyed the magick, and child-influenced splendor of this entry, and blog about it in your blog!

THIS IS PISS, SIGNING OUT!

So...christmas is cumin' up

2008-12-13T10:32:00.000-08:00

And as a real cool treat for all of my world-wide viewers out there, here's a real cute video of one of my favorite actresses doing what he does best: flaunting his bearded whimsy to a studio full of children! I LOVE IT!

Tingle Time!

2008-12-13T10:30:00.001-08:00

Kevin Cometh to Play!

-John Gotti

United Poo-Poo Service, Day 5

2008-12-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

So I've now been employed with the UPS Delivery Task Force Service for a total of 5 days now. And I gotta say, it's very gruff work! I have to wear boots, a stylish brown toboggan, and an XL, parachute-like brown coat with a polo-like zipper. It's sexy as hell. Everyday, I get barked at by loads of dogs (some that even try to nip at my ankles) and I swear, I wanna just kick 'em in the face. Quit threatening me you damn muts!! I haven't been biten yet... but knowing my luck (and because I'm very superstitious and mystical-thinking) me ridiculing the whole situation will cause me to get mauled, as a sick joke played on me by the universe, if you will. Let's hope not, though! Fingers crossed! The one good thing I like about this line of employment is that I get to come in contact with TONS of attractive, middle-aged babies. Definitely a "fringe benefit," if you will! Haha, okay, I'm done typing for now. My twinkie hurts and I GOTTA give it a rest...

Apology to My Readers...

2008-12-07T21:05:00.000-08:00

Guys, this is me being real...

I am terribly sorry about that last "post." It wasn't appropriate; I just really should not have revealed that story here in the online realm. That kind of stuff is reserved for Perez and AOL chatrooms. I was a little too drunk last nite, feeling a little depressed about my pet wolf-spider's passing, and I needed to rant.

Unfortunately, due to the massive amount of e-mails and hate mail I received in response to my "Tum Butts" post below, I am now apologizing to my devout fan base. I will not let it happen again. I will not, again, let that damn bottle get the best of me. I sincerely hope that all of you will sincerely forgive me. Please don't give up on me yet.... I now pledge to provide you readers with a much more family-friendly environment, something you can show your kids and laugh at, in hopes that all of you precious men and women continue to support my passion for literature and nonverbal comedic humor.

God Bless

Tum Butts

2008-12-06T12:47:00.001-08:00

Okay, so last nite I was on my computer watching Hentai porn and my grandfather comes in screaming "Turn that shit off!" I was so freaked. There on my desktop was this humongous picture of an anime woman getting kooked by a tree limb and I couldn't do anything to get that picture off! Well, so grandfather beat me in the kitchen after that and right after the final belt whip hit my ass I tumbled into the table and knocked off all the plates and pizza slices that were sitting on it! It was not a good night, let me tell you. So after that, I was pretty pissed and channeled my energy by listening to Wolf Parade...

Excited about BK

2008-12-01T18:55:00.000-08:00

www.whoppervirgins.com

This campaign is gonna rock!!

My God, this looks hilarious!

2008-11-28T22:50:00.000-08:00

Everyone, please tell your friends, your family, even your acquaintences on AIM about this wonderful film because it is going to be huge! Possibly even historically remembered as a film that completely alters the way we think about films forever...

Get online, blog about it (like me!), chat with your friends online about it, post trailers of it on your Facebook account, spread the message far and wide and deep inside. This is Jim Carrey's long-awaited cinematic comeback, and lord knows, we need to show the love!

The concept of the film, if you unfortunately have not been informed of yet, is about a man who absolutely CANNOT say "no" to anything. I can't wait to see what laugh-out-loud situations this'll get ol' James into! Imagine it: a guy asks Jim for a BJ, and what can he do?! (LOL) The trailer that I just witnessed on a television commercial mere minutes ago had me in stitches. And you know trailers aren't even HALF as hilarious as the actual movie!

CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS!

Scream Queens #2

2008-11-11T01:13:00.000-08:00

"Now, I need you to pretend like you're in Beehive Land."

I'm not smart; I can't see!!

2008-11-08T18:16:00.000-08:00

Hands down the funniest person alive.

Kyle Grooms - Jokes Out the Ass!

Bad Boys Have Bad Toys

2008-11-04T18:10:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's Election Day (Nov. 4) and I'm kinda nervous. I've been patiently anticipating this day for weeks now.... When I was at U-Mass earlier all I saw was tree after tree of Adam Sandler posters stapled to their barks. I'm not really leaning towards Sandler cuz his stance on abortion and digital "rights" doesn't really coincide with my beliefs. Ever since I witnessed Don Cheatle's riveting speech on the roof of the Pizza King down the street, I've been entranced! I mean, he was up there in a satin-pink, slant-stripped suit talking about our intervention in "Pakinstan" speaking with all his might. It was (pardon my French) hella incredible. So, I hope he wins cuz this country needs a real "turn-around." And I don't mean "reach-around" Mr. Galvie!!

Chao, y'all!

Do you have any idea what a brain is?

2008-10-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

Eatza Pizza is the best place in the city!! I went there today with Z.Diddy and Peet Peet and, once again, the whole atmosphere, environment and crowd was amazing. It felt like we were in the midst of some wild movie. The African-American midget wasn't working there though, so I was a bit disappointed. There was a kid there with a monstrous chin wearing black attire, which was awesome. I want to go there again tonight. Either there or Michael's because at Michael's they have this special deal where if you walk in wearing a ball cap the hostess will give you a free spanking. Now that's hot, y'all.

This Guy's An Absolute Bad-Ass!

2008-10-23T11:43:00.000-07:00

This is the legendary Billy Swan, best remembered in the aurals of rock history for his hit, "I Can Help" from 1975. It's a somber, but very rockin' tune about a man who is itchin' to fuck and will do anything for it. This is best exemplified in lines such as, "I've got two strong arms, I can help" and "If your child needs a daddy, I can help." I don't know if he's part Asian, because of his surname "swan," but nevertheless, he rocks the house everytime I hear his quivering voice!

Scream Queens

2008-10-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

"Take a big breath and eat anotha' grape."

Din-Din!

2008-10-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

Lord am I starving! I don't know where I shall dine tonight, though. I mean, there's just so many extravagant places along the McGallard Strip! Maybe I'll invite Abe to Michael's again. I could tell he was head-over-heels in love with that meat-ball sub he had the last time! I think I would probably settle for the $4.99 plate of sauteed beef they have that is just TO DIE FOR!

Well, that's about all I've got to say. I'll let you cute readers know how it went with a "follow-up" post detailing my menu choice, along with other silly tid-bits from the night. See ya!

Let's Get Cute

2008-10-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

First post, everyone! In it, I shall reveal my favorite album title of all time.... Okay, here we go!

My favorite album title of all time is the esteemed "Psychic, Powerless...Another Man's Sac" EP by our beloved Butthole Surfers! And look, I shall even provide the cover of this treasure. Give it a listen, it's very cute!

$0.50 Chicken Balls

2008-10-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

So, for those of you who havent heard, I spent a HEFTY amount of money on a bucket of cream-filled, buffalo chicken balls at the Lock Room this weekend. Needless to say, I was ticked off! They were pretty fulfilling, though. But the real reason I was/am so steamed is because on the menu on the wall it simply stated: "Daily Special - $0.50 Chicken Balls." I'm not totally sure the menu called them "balls" but it was something along those lines....

So I tell the petite waitress I want some, she asks how many (in multiples of 6), I say 12. Now, since the shit was advertised as a "special," I assumed I would get the bucket for cheap. You know, like 6 balls for fifty cent! But no, I ended up paying a whopping $6, which could've been used for a number of tasty things, like a chocolate shake at the McDonald's, or a bottle of Mad Dog, or even a matinee ticket to see "Body of Lies."

Now, in order to receive the vengenance that I well deserve, I'm going to go to the Locker Room THIS upcoming Friday night and order a single chicken sphere for $0.50 just to show those M.F-ers how absurd their "special" is!!