Saturday, January 31, 2009
Flippin' Hilarious
Another flawless Zooey Deschanel performance! P.S. just skip to 1:25 be prepared to jack your ass off!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
We've got Lifehouse, Fall Out Boy AND Rhianna!
As I journey to the center of crime
I gander down at my left palm
and see my fingers
justified.
The blood from my ball cap
came pouring down in waves
like a Sultan with children lined up
choosing his herd of slaves.
And Mickey,
with his cinnamon twist twinkie
roars like a bull in the middle of fright.
Sometimes, when I'm alone at night
with my wet towels and ginger-snaps
I look out the sun-stained window
and spy my next-door neighbor's thunderclap.
And Ronald,
with his word dictionary
and empty box of jet-lag
comes sprinting out of the bushes like a wet canary.
Okay, it's just a rough draft, so no harsh criticism, y'all! I'm hoping to get it published in Nuts Weekly sometime in June.... that is if I can get Prof. Uncer to "okay" my final product, which will be about as tough as plucking a blood-filled tick from a wet African warlock's left nook.
I gander down at my left palm
and see my fingers
justified.
The blood from my ball cap
came pouring down in waves
like a Sultan with children lined up
choosing his herd of slaves.
And Mickey,
with his cinnamon twist twinkie
roars like a bull in the middle of fright.
Sometimes, when I'm alone at night
with my wet towels and ginger-snaps
I look out the sun-stained window
and spy my next-door neighbor's thunderclap.
And Ronald,
with his word dictionary
and empty box of jet-lag
comes sprinting out of the bushes like a wet canary.
Okay, it's just a rough draft, so no harsh criticism, y'all! I'm hoping to get it published in Nuts Weekly sometime in June.... that is if I can get Prof. Uncer to "okay" my final product, which will be about as tough as plucking a blood-filled tick from a wet African warlock's left nook.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I'm Wide-Awake, My Buns Are Burning
Wouldn't ya know it? here i am at 5:13AM blogging! i can't help it....i had to get some things off my "chest." but i'm not gonna write about it in this, Mr. Holt! *LOL* those deep thoughts are reserved for my leather-bound scrap-book. but anyways, this weekend i plan on seeing my favorite actor in probably the best film role of his career. what i'm talkin' about is Kevin James in the hip, new Sandler-produced comedy, Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Kevin James just rocks the casbah, my friends. he's got to be at the absolute peak of his life right now: hot wife, cool career, manly appearance, and least we forget, a strong partnership with Sandler..... but seriously, i'm getting on Fandango.com directly after i write this and scorin' my tickets for the midnight showing tomorrow (well, technically, today). it's gonna be so sweet. i don't know if i'll be able to contain myself. seeing that fat man in a security outfit, doing like all these action moves, is gonna be so hysterical....and him with a MUSTACHE?! jesus, it don't get much better, girls.
i think i'll invite my buds Henry and Vicky to cum along. they're such bad-asses. i know they'll totally get James's humor. it's not for everyone, let me tell you. i mean, sometimes he gets a little vulgar with his jokes, and it's not always funny. but when he cracks those sport jokes, man, i can't keep from laughing my bump-bump off and makin' a scene! but seriously, check back here within the next three months for a little "follow-up" post on my film experience. it should be clever, and a tit-bit sexy as hell. till next time, broskies!
i think i'll invite my buds Henry and Vicky to cum along. they're such bad-asses. i know they'll totally get James's humor. it's not for everyone, let me tell you. i mean, sometimes he gets a little vulgar with his jokes, and it's not always funny. but when he cracks those sport jokes, man, i can't keep from laughing my bump-bump off and makin' a scene! but seriously, check back here within the next three months for a little "follow-up" post on my film experience. it should be clever, and a tit-bit sexy as hell. till next time, broskies!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Creature of the Night -- A poem for Holt
There he was
my idol since age 6
john cougar mellencamp
swaying his hips on the side of the freeway
like some kind of
ancient titan
I drove slowly passed
in my convertible Stiny-ray
it was all shined up
my grandmother helped me wax it
she was so good to me
I gotta poo
but I smeell your's oozing out,
said Mr. Holt that night
as we curled down the banks
of the golden Ohio
The river, its glow
the silly hoot-owl
pissing on a branch
it was all there
for our taking
Miami was finally within our grasp
my idol since age 6
john cougar mellencamp
swaying his hips on the side of the freeway
like some kind of
ancient titan
I drove slowly passed
in my convertible Stiny-ray
it was all shined up
my grandmother helped me wax it
she was so good to me
I gotta poo
but I smeell your's oozing out,
said Mr. Holt that night
as we curled down the banks
of the golden Ohio
The river, its glow
the silly hoot-owl
pissing on a branch
it was all there
for our taking
Miami was finally within our grasp
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The World is a...Glampire?
Me and my siblings received an Xbox-360 as a joint-gift for the holidays this year, and me and my younger half-brother have been on alternating shifts between him playing LEGO: Indiana Jones and myself playing Fallout 3. And let's just say, every time my hands clutch the console, I can't put it down! I don't even feel the need to leave the house, or go out and consume liquor. Now this is the high-life!
Phenomenal post, right guys?
Phenomenal post, right guys?
Saturday, December 20, 2008
The Results Cum In!
2008 was really a great year for tunes. Both digitally and physically. And since every blogsite in the known world is blogging about its "favorites" of the year, I thought I'd join in! I heard a helluva lot of real cool albums from an array of men and girls, and downloaded TONS, and I mean ASSLOADS, of mp3s from my favorite website, skreemr.com. My favorite mp3 that I downloaded this year was probably "Japanese Boy" by Aneka, which first sparked my heart when I heard it in the GTA: Vice City soundtrack for the PS2 gaming console. Now don't get me wrong, just cuz I "dig" a song titled "Japanese Boy" doesn't mean I'm a gay or anything, you stupid fucks! I just like it for its Asian-tinged synths and very catchy chorus. But enough hoo-hah, let's cut to the real fun...
As I hinted at earlier in this blog, I heard a helluva lot of real cool albums throughout the course of this year. These albums generated a sense of spell-binding whimsy in my heart and mind that helped me prevail through the "tough times," and console my desires. I could not have lived without them. Some of these masterworks include:
Pacific Ocean Blue, Dennis Wilson
The Beach Boys are and still one of my favorite bands. But before you start passing judgment and questioning my "manliness" for being a fan, let it be known that their music is truly touching and artists from all over the musical spectrum have acknowledged their influence, from the Pixies to Yo La Tengo to Paul McCartney (and his titties, nonetheless). SO LAY OFF! And this man, pictured above in all his chest-hair exuberance, was a member of the Beach Boys. I only listened to about three or four of the first songs on this album before I became bored with it; nevertheless, these songs were soulfully mediocre and slightly hummable. Still, nearly every musical publication in existence gave it an outstanding review, so that has to amount to somethin'! Maybe I'll give it another "run-though" in the future, like if I'm taking a shit and just happen to have it playing on my computer in the background, in the other room.
Rock 'N' Roll Jesus, Kid Rock
I think it's safe to say that this man is a hard-ass. And a goddamned creative one at that. But jeez Rock, could you lay off the controversy? How'd you think the world would react to an LP titled "Rock 'N' Roll Jesus"?! Nevertheless, Kid Rock really rocks it hard throughout. I've only heard one song off this thing, but that song, "All Summer Long" was truly a monster fucking hit all summer long. For those unaware of its appeal, it samples from two outstanding cuts of rock history: "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (as if you didn't know) and "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon (God rest his sweet soul). It's also got some great lyrics to boot, like "sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinkin' 'bout tomorrow." Lord knows I did just that many a night during the glorious summer of '08. LOL! And I don't think a night went by where I was up at 4am and DIDN'T see its music video in heavy rotation on either VH1 or MTV "After Hours." I'd be sitting there eating some Zesta crackers and just absolutely be feelin' the summer vibe in its entirety. Purely amazing...
Duffy, Duffy
This was another flat-out, ass-kicking rock album that dominated the summer airwaves. Many a critic hailed this plus-size star as the next "Dusty Springfield" (who cemented her cult status in the annals of rock history for singing the shitty song "Son of a Preacher Man"), but I think she's more than that. Every song on this album is probably so full of soul and true, aching heartache that its greatness can't be contained. The only song that I've been blessed to hear from this stellar debut is "Mercy." And God above, it rocks. It's got saxes, a cool back-beat and some of the most unappealing vocalizations I've heard in decades. Let me give you a sample of her lyrics: "You got me beggin' you for mercy, why won't you release me?" You know she must've dove head-first into the most despairing depths of her heart to coin such powerful statements. And the music video to accompany the song is flawless, as well. It's all in black-and-white to give it the honest authenticity of a 1960s rebel-rouser, as if to think, "Was this really made in 2008?! It's fucking amazing!". And hey, I ain't complaining! Kudos to you, Ms. Duff!
SLEEPER HIT OF THE YEAR:
Feed the Animals, Girl Talk
Okay, I know its tough to earn recognition when you're overshadowed by such behemoths as Duffy (literally, in her case), Kid Rock, and Kate Perry, but this little diddy truly stole my breath. And since I couldn't think of any other noteworthy album as I was typing this, I thought I might as well mention it. It's just great. The first 45 seconds of "Still Here" are blow-worthy; anything that features snippets of "The Weight" by the Band, "Flashing Lights (ft. Dwele)" by Kanye West and the organ hook from Procol Harum's "Whiter Shade of Pale" all in the same track earns my stand-up applause.
And that's all she wrote, folks! I'm sick of writing this hackneyed bullshit, and ready to fix myself a sandwich, or salad. Hope you enjoyed the magick, and child-influenced splendor of this entry, and blog about it in your blog!
THIS IS PISS, SIGNING OUT!
As I hinted at earlier in this blog, I heard a helluva lot of real cool albums throughout the course of this year. These albums generated a sense of spell-binding whimsy in my heart and mind that helped me prevail through the "tough times," and console my desires. I could not have lived without them. Some of these masterworks include:
Pacific Ocean Blue, Dennis Wilson
The Beach Boys are and still one of my favorite bands. But before you start passing judgment and questioning my "manliness" for being a fan, let it be known that their music is truly touching and artists from all over the musical spectrum have acknowledged their influence, from the Pixies to Yo La Tengo to Paul McCartney (and his titties, nonetheless). SO LAY OFF! And this man, pictured above in all his chest-hair exuberance, was a member of the Beach Boys. I only listened to about three or four of the first songs on this album before I became bored with it; nevertheless, these songs were soulfully mediocre and slightly hummable. Still, nearly every musical publication in existence gave it an outstanding review, so that has to amount to somethin'! Maybe I'll give it another "run-though" in the future, like if I'm taking a shit and just happen to have it playing on my computer in the background, in the other room.
Rock 'N' Roll Jesus, Kid Rock
I think it's safe to say that this man is a hard-ass. And a goddamned creative one at that. But jeez Rock, could you lay off the controversy? How'd you think the world would react to an LP titled "Rock 'N' Roll Jesus"?! Nevertheless, Kid Rock really rocks it hard throughout. I've only heard one song off this thing, but that song, "All Summer Long" was truly a monster fucking hit all summer long. For those unaware of its appeal, it samples from two outstanding cuts of rock history: "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (as if you didn't know) and "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon (God rest his sweet soul). It's also got some great lyrics to boot, like "sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinkin' 'bout tomorrow." Lord knows I did just that many a night during the glorious summer of '08. LOL! And I don't think a night went by where I was up at 4am and DIDN'T see its music video in heavy rotation on either VH1 or MTV "After Hours." I'd be sitting there eating some Zesta crackers and just absolutely be feelin' the summer vibe in its entirety. Purely amazing...
Duffy, Duffy
This was another flat-out, ass-kicking rock album that dominated the summer airwaves. Many a critic hailed this plus-size star as the next "Dusty Springfield" (who cemented her cult status in the annals of rock history for singing the shitty song "Son of a Preacher Man"), but I think she's more than that. Every song on this album is probably so full of soul and true, aching heartache that its greatness can't be contained. The only song that I've been blessed to hear from this stellar debut is "Mercy." And God above, it rocks. It's got saxes, a cool back-beat and some of the most unappealing vocalizations I've heard in decades. Let me give you a sample of her lyrics: "You got me beggin' you for mercy, why won't you release me?" You know she must've dove head-first into the most despairing depths of her heart to coin such powerful statements. And the music video to accompany the song is flawless, as well. It's all in black-and-white to give it the honest authenticity of a 1960s rebel-rouser, as if to think, "Was this really made in 2008?! It's fucking amazing!". And hey, I ain't complaining! Kudos to you, Ms. Duff!
SLEEPER HIT OF THE YEAR:
Feed the Animals, Girl Talk
Okay, I know its tough to earn recognition when you're overshadowed by such behemoths as Duffy (literally, in her case), Kid Rock, and Kate Perry, but this little diddy truly stole my breath. And since I couldn't think of any other noteworthy album as I was typing this, I thought I might as well mention it. It's just great. The first 45 seconds of "Still Here" are blow-worthy; anything that features snippets of "The Weight" by the Band, "Flashing Lights (ft. Dwele)" by Kanye West and the organ hook from Procol Harum's "Whiter Shade of Pale" all in the same track earns my stand-up applause.
And that's all she wrote, folks! I'm sick of writing this hackneyed bullshit, and ready to fix myself a sandwich, or salad. Hope you enjoyed the magick, and child-influenced splendor of this entry, and blog about it in your blog!
THIS IS PISS, SIGNING OUT!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
So...christmas is cumin' up
And as a real cool treat for all of my world-wide viewers out there, here's a real cute video of one of my favorite actresses doing what he does best: flaunting his bearded whimsy to a studio full of children! I LOVE IT!
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