Flippin' Hilarious

Another flawless Zooey Deschanel performance! P.S. just skip to 1:25 be prepared to jack your ass off!

We've got Lifehouse, Fall Out Boy AND Rhianna!

As I journey to the center of crime
I gander down at my left palm
and see my fingers
justified.

The blood from my ball cap
came pouring down in waves
like a Sultan with children lined up
choosing his herd of slaves.

And Mickey,
with his cinnamon twist twinkie
roars like a bull in the middle of fright.

Sometimes, when I'm alone at night
with my wet towels and ginger-snaps
I look out the sun-stained window
and spy my next-door neighbor's thunderclap.

And Ronald,
with his word dictionary
and empty box of jet-lag
comes sprinting out of the bushes like a wet canary.


Okay, it's just a rough draft, so no harsh criticism, y'all! I'm hoping to get it published in Nuts Weekly sometime in June.... that is if I can get Prof. Uncer to "okay" my final product, which will be about as tough as plucking a blood-filled tick from a wet African warlock's left nook.

I'm Wide-Awake, My Buns Are Burning

Wouldn't ya know it? here i am at 5:13AM blogging! i can't help it....i had to get some things off my "chest." but i'm not gonna write about it in this, Mr. Holt! *LOL* those deep thoughts are reserved for my leather-bound scrap-book. but anyways, this weekend i plan on seeing my favorite actor in probably the best film role of his career. what i'm talkin' about is Kevin James in the hip, new Sandler-produced comedy, Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Kevin James just rocks the casbah, my friends. he's got to be at the absolute peak of his life right now: hot wife, cool career, manly appearance, and least we forget, a strong partnership with Sandler..... but seriously, i'm getting on Fandango.com directly after i write this and scorin' my tickets for the midnight showing tomorrow (well, technically, today). it's gonna be so sweet. i don't know if i'll be able to contain myself. seeing that fat man in a security outfit, doing like all these action moves, is gonna be so hysterical....and him with a MUSTACHE?! jesus, it don't get much better, girls.

i think i'll invite my buds Henry and Vicky to cum along. they're such bad-asses. i know they'll totally get James's humor. it's not for everyone, let me tell you. i mean, sometimes he gets a little vulgar with his jokes, and it's not always funny. but when he cracks those sport jokes, man, i can't keep from laughing my bump-bump off and makin' a scene! but seriously, check back here within the next three months for a little "follow-up" post on my film experience. it should be clever, and a tit-bit sexy as hell. till next time, broskies!

Creature of the Night -- A poem for Holt

There he was
my idol since age 6
john cougar mellencamp
swaying his hips on the side of the freeway
like some kind of
ancient titan

I drove slowly passed
in my convertible Stiny-ray
it was all shined up
my grandmother helped me wax it
she was so good to me

I gotta poo
but I smeell your's oozing out,
said Mr. Holt that night
as we curled down the banks
of the golden Ohio

The river, its glow
the silly hoot-owl
pissing on a branch
it was all there
for our taking
Miami was finally within our grasp