Beef-Day Recap, Vol. 3

Had some cool times with the gang at a quaint little joint called (now correct me if I'm wrong, guys) Muggler's?? Well, it was fun. They had the MLB games playing on the tubes, and it was literally PACKED with all kinds of suave business men. Beyonce's "If I Was a Boy" was playing overhead on the PA system, on repeat, and God help me if we all weren't shakin' our asses! There was only one server, this hipster-lumberjack looking fella, and we all could tell he was about to blow his load! I mean, it took him about twenty minutes to fill our drinks (he wouldn't even bring 'em to us), and when mine and Caston's food arrived, his build-a-burger was ice cold, and my goddamned pepperoni pizza didn't have crust!! Oh, I was pretty steamed to say the least. But hey, we had some Pabst on tap, and some fresh tap water, so I can't complain. Then, at the after-party, we gathered around the tube to watch Decoding the Past: Nazi Prophecies on the History Channel, which was really quite cool cuz it talked about Hitler's rise to power and how these (what's the word) mystics predicted his "rise." And I'm not talking about the rise in his pants, Mr. Coltrane! It was very informative and even persuaded us to conduct our own ritualistic seances to foresee events in our own precious lives. I predicted that I'd make a guest-appearance in an episode of Ax Men sometime within the next two years, and Galveston saw images in his mind of himself eating a hot dog surrounded by cheering women. These visions of the future were too much for me to stomach, so after that, I retreated to the comfort of my shanty and started to watch Resevoir Dogs. But that bored me after about a half-hour because I couldn't grasp the concept of grown-men assassins discussing the meaning behind Madonna's "Like A Virgin" in the climatic beginning of the film, because it seemed too fucking stupid and pretentiously-written, so I ejected the DVD and popped in Ed Wood. That too bored me within fifteen minutes just cuz it's a goddamned boring film. So, I drank a Sam's Choice soda and hit the sack.

Immortal Colt Quotes:
-- "Does this thing have a dick?"
-- "Is that Richard Nixon?" (as an image of Adolf Hitler appeared on-screen)
-- "I want to touch his balls of his feet."

Lesson #23: The Thespian's Monkier

Cute Poon

i had an "ephiphany," as one would say, a few moments ago as i was drinking a DQ milkshake. the two dumb sluts who were working the drive-thru register were cracking up as they gave me my shake and cheeseburger. now, they were probably laughing at some hilarious teen gossip or cuz one of 'em let out a gassy queef. but me, being the over-the-top paranoid that i am, figured they were laughing at my expense, like "oh my god, he looks exactly like that freak-of-nature from the 'Burbs!"

the first time anyone had ever referred to me as "that guy from the 'Burbs" was at some faggotity hipster party my sophomore year. and just recently i've been hearin' it more and more. then i actually saw the shitty film myself (and want to assassinate every person who was involved in its production), and can understand how all these fucks see a "resemblance." [LOOK HE'S GOT RED-HAIR AND SLIGHT FACIAL-HAIR!] but once this joke approached me while working in a goddamned pillow factory in the middle of butt-fuck Indiana (Middletown, IN no less), i knew something had to "give." now it's like i can't go out in public without thinking in the back of my mind that everyone's fucking snickering at me.

so now, instead of being paranoid about this shit (which basically stems from my long-standing crippling insecurities), i'm gonna dye my hair jet-pink and start walking around in hispanic tunics. so at least i'll give 'em a reason to fucking laugh, as the old adage goes!


(childish, irrational rant, i know... but i don't give a snick! it's what ya call passion, babe.)

Rad Artwork heard 'round the Globe (Part 1 of Series)

Not fucking funny...

The Complete Poetic Works of Michael Madsen, Vol. I: 1995-2005

MEN
I suspect
That all great men
Have,
At one time
Or another,
Sat on the edge
Of the bed alone
And wondered
If anything
They ever did
Really mattered.

COME BACK, COME BACK, STAY SOBER!!

I feel somewhat remorseful - I obliterated their entire cause!
-- Z. Colt

We want to see the ying-and-the-yang tattoo...

I've been on a T.G. kick lately, and I can't decipher the reason. It could have something to do with that wonderful NBC show, Celeb Apprentice, which was Mr. Green's latest stab into the mainstream. I've only seen one episode of this season's - and hey, I'll be honest, it was just a fun, all-around entertaining hour of my time!

The commercials - amazing... The celebrities - at the top of their game (Scott Hamilton: A+)... and I learned some really impressive new business tips. So, no complaints here!

But that Trump, I tell ya... is there any medium he can't conquer?!

He is an Olympic Gymnast

FLAWLESS

Early Tom Green shit could not/cannot be touched!

Jump Into the Fire

This unstoppable sequence popped in my head as I was maddeningly scrambling around Muncie earlier today, and I just had to prorate it to my online following. Now I'm in the Bracken library by myself on a Friday evening 'cuz I can't access the Innernette from my shanty...

But hey, might ass well download another Jam album while I'm at it!

Ain't that right, Tommy?!

A Dead-On Representation of a Night on the Town with Zolt...

I honest-to-God tensed up when I watched this scene for the first time. Cuz believe me, I've been there, babe!

Sour Times...

Tonight I drove to Marion, IN because I heard a commercial over the airwaves yesterday about a seminar that was being hosted at the Hotel Marion, with tips on how to break-into the lucrative business of work-at-home medical transcription. Well, I went, out of sheer desperation, in hopes of finding a better way to make money than working at a goddamned bedding factory. Much to my surprise, it was a complete waste. Upon stepping into the musty, shit-brown lobby of the hotel, I found myself in the company of all walks of life, all from around the east-central Indiana area. The majority of them were obese old women with bald spots. But they were nice. There was even a point during the seminar in which we were ordered to "greet the person next to you," and the gorgeous old gal to my left turned and said, "Hi, I'm Cindy. I'm unemployed!" and laughed. Boy, was that the fun part.

The rest of the seminar consisted of this voluptuous woman named Monica in slight-goth attire describing how she changed her life around through the magic of work-at-home medical transcription, which could be obtained through purchasing a few "texts books," a Mavis Beacon Typing Tutor CD-Rom and taking "a few online quizzes" all for the slim price of $599! And through these simple, but highly educational quizzes, you could obtain the equivalent of an actual college degree! Boy, the crowd loved that part.

But I wasn't buying all the schmaltz, and got outta there before I burst my spread -not before taking a piss down the hall, mind you.

But hey, the trip wasn't a total waste: I mean, I got to go sight-seeing through Marion, IN after-dark, and I got a free purple pen. Not to mention the two cute high school girls in letterman jackets in the back row who smirked at me!


All in all,
Great Nite and Great Job!

Rock-A-Doodle: The Movie

"Chanticleer is a rooster who lives on a fairytale farm with many other animals, who are fond of and love him. His enemy is an owl sorcerer called the Grand Duke, along with the gang of owls who serve him. Chanticleer is attacked by a servant of the Duke, another rooster. Chanticleer beats the rooster, only to realize the sun has risen without his crowing while he was busy. His friends, believing he was lying to them about how his crowiing brought up the sun, a fact he had always thought was true himself, ostracize him, leading to the adventures of Edmond and the others. He is voiced by Glen Campbell."

Data gathered from: Wikipedia.org

Great description, guys!


I only have vague memories of this film, and feel somewhat befundled by what I remember...like unusually sexy, cartoon roosters, and a really rockin' soundtrack. But lately, I've been gettin' into the adult-contemporary styled music of country great, Glen Campbell, and found it odd that he lent his voice for the film's "tragic-hero" protagonist. Plus, Mr. Campbell was born on April 22, which also happens to be my day of birth, and I always find it rad to learn of celebrities with whom I share this special day...


Very
kool!!

Pre-Screening (Tinseltown Cuties poetry)

Okay y'all, here are some lyrics me and the Galv Man have been workin on for the new Tinseltown Cuties EP, A Ribbon in The Asshole. I'm thinkin it's gonna be kinda experimental, kinda folk-rock. But anyways, here are some lyrics. Tell me what "chu" think, y'all:

I watch
Nip-tuck
when my mommy's sleeping

I watch
Nip-tuck
when my mommy's fucking


I mean, at this stage in the process, it's nuthin' too serious; we're kinda testin' out some new material, you know, just lettin' the cum jazz. So yeah, anyways, if any of y'all out there "dig" these words, so to speak, we'll definitely include them in the tunes! Just check out the myspace.... myspace.com/tinseltowncuties for further info, and some real raunchy shit!

Chao,



Glen Campbell

A 1984 hackers movie starring Clint Flamflow...

Pissfork 500

1983-1986

The Smiths – This Charming Man
Sonic Youth – Death Valley ‘69
Husker Du – Pink Turns to Blue
Meat Puppets – Plateau
The Replacements – I Will Dare
Minutemen – History Lesson (Part II)
R.E.M. – So. Central Rain (I’m Sorry)
Echo and the Bunnymen – The Killing Moon
The Cure – Close to Me
Siouxsie and the Banshees – Cities in Dust
Run-D.M.C. – It’s Like That
Crash Crew – On the Radio
Rammelzee vs. K-Rob – Beat Bop
Boogie Down Productions – South Bronx
New Order – Blue Monday
Prince and the Revolution – When Doves Cry
Talking Heads – This Must Be the Place (Naïve Melody)
Kate Bush – Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)
U2 – New Year’s Day
Simple Minds – Don’t You (Forget About Me)
The Replacements – Bastards of Young
The Mekons – Last Dance
Big Black – Kerosene
Scratch Acid – The Greatest Gift
The Jesus and Mary Chain – Just Like Honey
The Smiths – How Soon Is Now?
Cocteau Twins – Lorelei
New Order – Bizarre Love Triangle
Billy Bragg – A New England
Metallica – Battery
Slayer – Angel of Death
Saint Vitus – Clear Windowpane
Einsturzende Neubauten – Halber Mensch
Art of Noise – Beat Box (Diversion One)
Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Relax
Liquid Liquid – Optimo
Alexander Robotnick – Problemes d’Amour
Shannon – Let the Music Play
Section 25 – Looking from a Hilltop (Restructure)
Madonna – Holiday
Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Want to Have Fun
Prince – Kiss
Run-D.M.C. – Rock Box
LL Cool J – I Can’t Live Without My Radio
Beastie Boys – No Sleep Till Brooklyn
Mantronix – Needle to the Groove
The Go-Betweens – Cattle and Cane
The Chills – Pink Frost
Felt – Primitive Painters
The Smiths – There Is a Light That Never Goes Out
Tom Waits – Jockey Full of Bourbon
Bruce Springsteen – I’m on Fire
Scott Walker – Rawhide
U2 – Bad
Don Henley – The Boys of Summer
Paul Simon – Graceland
Wayne Smith – Under Me Sleng Teng
Anthony “Red” Rose – Tempo
Model 500 – No UFO’s


Glad to see my favorite song of all time made it into the extravagant Pitchfork 500: Our Guide to the Greatest Songs from Punk to the Present archives. 'Bout time the Boss got the cherished respect he deserves!

http://fromclosertonear.blogspot.com/2008/11/pitchfork-500-our-guide-to-greatest.html

Great list, guys!

FULL-FRONTAL ISLAND FANTASY

Original lyrics by Chase M. Stuart:

Down by the lifeguard stand,
I see a little tiny man,
slippin' off his downstair drawers,
gonna show me somethin' more.

This is just a taste of the sultry lyrics that are contained on the latest EP by the B.S. Buttholes, Island Way, a concept album dedicated to the beauty and power of islands. Other stand-out tracks include "Too Tango," "Yang Ching Beach," "Test of my Faith," and "Looking Out My Window." As always, to accompany these ballads is music of the utmost technical prowess, that will sincerely test your faith and masculinity. Look for this diddy in stores sometime within the next four years.

(Source: www.myspace.com/thebootscootinbuttholes)

All faster than the wind from a duck's ass!

Chinatown, 1974.

Alright, so ever since I slammed my face on the sidewalk this weekend after slipping on an ice-patch, I've had to sport some unslightly bandages to heal my bloody flesh wounds. And I couldn't help but think of this wonderful film starring Jack Nicholson as a wily private investigator who gets his nose sliced open by some tuxedoed thugs for being too "nosy." Throughout the film, he gets shat on and ridiculed for his misfortune, which is kind of how I feel when going out in public as onlookers glance at me and gasp at the sight of my horrific accident, as if to think, "Jeez, what kind of mess did this fuck-up get into?!" So yes, the film is truly an engaging masterpiece....

Oh, and little known fact that this is the film that coined the phrase "How do ya like them apples?" How do you like them apples, Mr. Damon?! I'd also take a stab and claim that Jackie's character in this little diddy was the inspiration for Mr. Anderson's "wounded" character in the cult classik Darjeeding Limited.

So c'mon, ya gotta give it some props, babe!

Flippin' Hilarious

Another flawless Zooey Deschanel performance! P.S. just skip to 1:25 be prepared to jack your ass off!

We've got Lifehouse, Fall Out Boy AND Rhianna!

As I journey to the center of crime
I gander down at my left palm
and see my fingers
justified.

The blood from my ball cap
came pouring down in waves
like a Sultan with children lined up
choosing his herd of slaves.

And Mickey,
with his cinnamon twist twinkie
roars like a bull in the middle of fright.

Sometimes, when I'm alone at night
with my wet towels and ginger-snaps
I look out the sun-stained window
and spy my next-door neighbor's thunderclap.

And Ronald,
with his word dictionary
and empty box of jet-lag
comes sprinting out of the bushes like a wet canary.


Okay, it's just a rough draft, so no harsh criticism, y'all! I'm hoping to get it published in Nuts Weekly sometime in June.... that is if I can get Prof. Uncer to "okay" my final product, which will be about as tough as plucking a blood-filled tick from a wet African warlock's left nook.

I'm Wide-Awake, My Buns Are Burning

Wouldn't ya know it? here i am at 5:13AM blogging! i can't help it....i had to get some things off my "chest." but i'm not gonna write about it in this, Mr. Holt! *LOL* those deep thoughts are reserved for my leather-bound scrap-book. but anyways, this weekend i plan on seeing my favorite actor in probably the best film role of his career. what i'm talkin' about is Kevin James in the hip, new Sandler-produced comedy, Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Kevin James just rocks the casbah, my friends. he's got to be at the absolute peak of his life right now: hot wife, cool career, manly appearance, and least we forget, a strong partnership with Sandler..... but seriously, i'm getting on Fandango.com directly after i write this and scorin' my tickets for the midnight showing tomorrow (well, technically, today). it's gonna be so sweet. i don't know if i'll be able to contain myself. seeing that fat man in a security outfit, doing like all these action moves, is gonna be so hysterical....and him with a MUSTACHE?! jesus, it don't get much better, girls.

i think i'll invite my buds Henry and Vicky to cum along. they're such bad-asses. i know they'll totally get James's humor. it's not for everyone, let me tell you. i mean, sometimes he gets a little vulgar with his jokes, and it's not always funny. but when he cracks those sport jokes, man, i can't keep from laughing my bump-bump off and makin' a scene! but seriously, check back here within the next three months for a little "follow-up" post on my film experience. it should be clever, and a tit-bit sexy as hell. till next time, broskies!

Creature of the Night -- A poem for Holt

There he was
my idol since age 6
john cougar mellencamp
swaying his hips on the side of the freeway
like some kind of
ancient titan

I drove slowly passed
in my convertible Stiny-ray
it was all shined up
my grandmother helped me wax it
she was so good to me

I gotta poo
but I smeell your's oozing out,
said Mr. Holt that night
as we curled down the banks
of the golden Ohio

The river, its glow
the silly hoot-owl
pissing on a branch
it was all there
for our taking
Miami was finally within our grasp